If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
