drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
