Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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