Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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