New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
