so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
