you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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