i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
