Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
