I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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