Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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