do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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