I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
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When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
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You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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