I need help removing her.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
