saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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