right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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