He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
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Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
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also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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