I think my fart just growled at me.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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