turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
