sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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