The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
