He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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