im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I will pee on everything he values.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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