Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I intend to get homeless drunk
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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