the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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