I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
