I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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