We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
