dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
