I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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