i would punch a child for taco bell
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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