He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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