I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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