my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
And then he peed in my hair
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