Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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