there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
