Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
