if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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