im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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