my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
