So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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