just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
