ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
