So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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