i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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