piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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