My Higher Power is John Stamos
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
