Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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