Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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