I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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