Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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