My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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