There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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