Kiss
Puke
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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