Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Randomize
