They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
